Friends? Friendship?

Assalamualaikum. Good evening.

Repost from my facebook notes. Feel free to read. hehe

Friends will always make promises to each other. Friendship is something a lot of people fall back upon when family or all else fails or simply as a substitute. We all want to spend as much time as we can with our friends because they make us feel joy and comfortable with as most memorable moments or funny moments are spent with our friends. They are open to one another, share the same interests and comfortable with each other. But then, sometimes friendship can fail. A simple word or two, a good-friendship can end in a blink of an eye before you know it. Real friendship learns to share, forgive, tolerate,understand and love. Although with no doubt sometimes we want the attention to ourselves. Let’s be frank, we all want to feel loved by our friends, but sometimes we don’t always get the attention we want. True?

I have to admit that sometimes I wish my own best friend would pay more attention to me. Why? He’s someone who I can talk about everything, day and night. I’m honest with him and let him know when I want the attention; at certain times. Sometimes the situation does get out of hand, like I’m told that I am sort of a “drama queen” of the friendship. We’re both opposites of each other personality wise somehow since he knew my background,but share some of the same interests. The main point is, I needed to learn how to share. He has friends too. My life doesn’t revolve around him. So I learn to be appreciative of the things he does for me.

Sometimes, we never take the time to look back and see what our friends have done for us. Just because they’re our friends, we sometimes tend to forget to thank them. Then we realize they have helped us without expecting any reward. Why? Because they love us. They would rather accept the pain than seeing their friends suffering from that. You realize the countless moments they went out of their way to help us, or to spend time with us. Sadly, we never find the time to actually say, “thank you”.

I never thought to realize that sharing my burdens with my best friend would weigh him down. I didn’t know until I argued about loyalty and commitment to one’s friendship. Then I realized how selfish, ignorant, and stupid I was. It wasn’t until I said something without thinking. It took only a few simple words to crack the friendship. I was confused and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. He did the right thing though. We both confronted each other; always. I was wronged and then corrected myself. Our friendship still stands strong because of honesty and love. Communication is essential in maintaining one’s friendship. Without it, nobody would be able to understand each other. But I’ve learn that our friendship goes beyond words spoken or even hanging out with each other.

Friendships within groups are always filled with ‘Jalousie’;which means jealousy in French. As I stated before, we all want attention from our friends. Why is this though? Is it because you just have the need to feel loved? Well, it’s different for each individual. Sometimes it could also be that you are in love with this person, and you just want to spend every moment with them because friendship is the only way you can stay close to them. Either way, overly-jealous friends could kill a friendship. Take note.

How did this occur? Most jealousy occurs between two people.They both enjoy the company of one another, but sometimes that “need” is unbalanced. One needs the other more, but when the person they need starts to pay attention to other people or is occupied by other things, jealousy tends to make its appearance, like what I had been through with my friend. You will try anything in your power and possession to try and get their attention, at all cost. You keep reminding them to make time for you, as the only time I had with him is usually in between Maghrib and Isya prayers – both after sundown. First you’re patient about it, but that patience will soon run dry. Then, a seed of hatred starts to germinate inside your heart and thus, a drama is born. You turn possesive and want your life to revolve around them. You seek to destroy their friends or make their friends look bad in front of them, making yourself look like the angel of the friendship. No, it’s not meant to be that way. Our friends are humans too. They do not play a role as a toy that you can just takeout of a toy box and start playing or talking with.

With that being said, I tried to ask myself again. What am I trying to achieve? What is my goal? Sometimes I would sit at a corner and try to recall things that I had been through. Am I doing it right? Am I being a good friend to him? I kept asking myself those types of questions. I know sometimes I can be too “controlling” as in my case, but he’s the one that always there for me, to talk things through, to seek advice, and most importantly, a shoulder to cry on. I’m a gentle person, that’s why I tend to get somewhat emo-ish and he’s the person that I will seek, when such things arise. I find it hard to accept when he started to ignore me, as someone else started to appear out of nowhere, and yet always by his side, gaining all the advantage he could get as my best friend is an intelligent guy, leaving me alone having bad thoughts since then; which is not good. How can I not be jealous, as he has a lot of friends, yet they are the good ones, just have a look on his facebook profile, then you will know. Maybe out of 100000+ friends,I’ll be somewhere at the bottom or not even listed among his friends, oh come on! He met me only for a year, so don’t expect too much. I hope I’m wrong though. I can’t remember how many times I cried due to this, I seriously can’t,yet I’m literally crying right now as I’m writing this piece.

To be honest, I rarely have friends like he does, a true friend that is. He has a lot of them, compared to me; I could even count them with my fingers. That’s why he’s a person I always look up to, communicate with, share, laugh, cry, etc. As far as I can see, words doesn’t seem to express emotions, but believe me, it took me a while to gain my strength back in order to complete this. Laying all emotions on the floor is not an easy task. Now, I could only wish that he thinks of me as an important figure during my college days, just like I did towards him.

So, note to self especially, stop thinking about ourselves and be appreciative that your friend at least talks to you, or is worried when you give the odd message. Still in my case, did he even realize that something is wrong with his own best friend; me? I don’t know. Then again, I don’t even know whether he thinks of me as his best friend in first place, I could go crazy just thinking about it though.

So, I’ve made an oath to myself. Trying to suppress my emotions will be my main goal, as I don’t like to be in that place ever again,a place where all I can think of is 'hate'. If you want to be a real friend,you yourself have to be strong enough to carry their burdens. Don’t fall with them when they’re down, you’re meant to pick them up. A friend is meant to bean encouragement, a source of joy, not a person who will assist you in your fall. They’re there to catch you, not to IGNORE you.

We all have to admit it. We’ve all been jealous at one stage and also been the victim of a jealous friend. Still true-friendship lies beyond jealousy. There needs to be understand, forgiveness, communication and love.How else does a friendship work? Take time to thank your friend for at least trying to be there for you. okay? Peace.